So I managed to get the site back to functional around midnight last night. The copy/pasting in a desperate manner actually worked and nothing seems to be broken. Now if only there was some good videos to post, then things would be splendiforous.

I've still been weighing things in my head a lot lately. It's hard for me to be completely honest with myself. I've been reading A Collection of Essays by Orwell lately. One of the things written kind of stuck in my mind. He talks about what Don Quixote and Sancho Panza. He says everyone has a bit of both in them. One characteristic is that of a hero, a self-controlling and indominable spirit that represents the purities in life, such as chivalry and the knight's quest! The other, always seeking comfort and far from the front line. Wanting the easiest things in life and always encouraging an apathetic stance.

I realized that this pretty well describes my more or less constant internal struggle. I constantly am trying to fulfill this quest I've interally designed. One with heroes and damsels, villians and deception, but ultimately a noble person in character and form. None of that should imply a perfect person. In fact there are multiple facets that would require careful consideration in that lifestyle. But I at least feel that it's an admirable lifestyle.

Before we get into the other lifestyle, there is something I have to admit. I don't think I've been nearly as honest with myself about Kelli and I. I think anyone who saw me or has talked to me about the subject can sort of figure out that I was pretty upset about it. It was everything that I didn't want to happen. And it felt like all I did was barely pull on a string and these events just played out naturally, without any further interference from me. I've said before that I was the one who finally agreed that we probably weren't right for each other, and each time my mind wanders to this, I feel a burden get bigger. Like I did it all to myself. That I ruined it all.

There have been a few nights in recent memory that I have almost called Kelli. It's almost been exactly a year since we broke up, and I'm just now getting comfortable enough to let people at work know (other than the two people I work directly with. They knew the week of). It's a shame that I just can't figure out how to remove. I often think that if I call her and just here her say, It wasn't your fault, or, I'm not mad at you, things would be OK. But that's not the way the real world works.

So, without even trying, I managed to slip into a depression. Not an unforseen circumstance, but I was surprised at how unwilling I was to believe that I could actually be depressed, which only worsened the feeling. It's like feeling immense amounts of guilt and feeling like you shouldn't be sad about it because you obviously have so much. Slowly it got worse and worse. To the point that I, without realizing it, became fed up with emotions. I've stated before that I like to be in control and understand people and how they react. I like studying emotions in people, I love it. One of the most fun things about Trashed Ideas is talking to people to see their faces get wide with expression or awe in amazement at some of the things I find. Those faces alone make it all worth while.

But there was a period during this depression that I couldn't stand emotions anymore. I couldn't stand the guilt. I couldn't stand feeling everything I was feeling. I still couldn't accept I was depressed. Finally, I started smoking again. Suddenly all the emotions came back into check. I had no problem embracing emotion again! I could be sad without it affecting my overall mental health again. What more could I ask? The problem is, I now find it hard to stop smoking now. I don't know if it's paranoia or maybe I'm still depressed and can't handle full emotion yet.

I mean I'm sure there are other reasons I smoke. Social interaction, the overall silly feeling, I feel less condescending, and it definitely helps my OCD. But it reminds me of Sancho Panza. The other lifestyle was described as, escaping the harsh truths, wanting the comfortable life, avoiding conflicts if at all possible.

This is the conflict of the two people I want to be. One for admiration, another for comfort (and probably mental health too). And before it's suggested, I don't believe in finding a middle ground. Notice there is no name of a person in between these two varying degrees of personality. It's my problem, and to be honest it's been a problem for far longer than before I started dating Kelli, but I was in a better place then. Now, I just can't seem to find where up is anymore.

C'est la vie. Until next time.

So. If you haven't noticed, trashed-ideas.net is down. I'm currently working on getting this all fixed. I made the mistake of calling and asking them to switch my primary domain name to www.trashed-ideas.net and take off the old trashed-ideas.com that I had originally. It cost $10 to do this, and although I thought it shouldn't cost anything, I agreed. An hour later, I see my site is down. I immediately knew what happened.

When the made the change over, connections got broked. My wordpress blog files were nested in a folder called trashed-ideas.net and when they made the change over, the connections for the index to the wordpress blog became a scrambled mess. I was "working" on fixing this, although in all reality probably just breaking as much a stuff as I saw, when suddenly everything stopped responding. Note this is over 10 hours since the change. The $10 came back declined, and because of that, they took down EVERYTHING. Including my FTP access and my access to the cPanel to reinstall Wordpress.

As soon as I realized I paid the bill, but it doesn't look like they have re-enabled anything yet. Which means I got double-screwed on this transaction. I hope to have TI back up and running later this evening, HostICan willing. I'm about to head to the south side right now to hang out with some folks. Hope my evening gets better.

Since Trashed Ideas has finally started turning into it's own entity, I don't feel it's quite as appropriate to use it as a means of ranting. I realize this now since I've actually begun to develop a following. It was quite strange speaking with my buddy Justin yesterday, and he already knew about my recent hiatus on video games and TV, which was only news two days old. It was awesome, and yet gave me a serious sense of vulnerability. I usually suspect I get 3 or 4 people that read the actual rants, but it would be most revealing if people began to read these things outside of those numbers. Or maybe I'm just paranoid and extremely shy.

Let's go with the latter.

But I can't help the occasion to write surging through me. About what? I'm not sure. I could go, as usual, do a quick self-analysis and find some part of my life to improve, but aren't I already on some folly crusade in the name of self-improvement? Or in the name of productivity. Choose your poison. But I decided to bring this back up. It's linked on the main page if people are really concerned with what could possibly be going on in my life, although I would assume most wouldn't click it but once to see it hadn't received an update in so long it was doubtful to ever respawn.

So I am left with my former subscribers to once again see me lurking through the blog-o-spheres in some desperate attempt for attention, but not too much attention, mind you, lest we repeat the process formerly stated.

There are a few things I wish I could do. Maybe that's not what I should write about though. I am quite surprised at how well I can write without saying anything. I realized today just how terribly I've been behaving at work. I have begun to take my job less seriously, I'm sure out of habit as I've never cared for the same job for too long without succumbing to boredom and the growing urge to just surf the net.

I'm an extremely paranoid person. I like to think you know you're paranoid when you can't help but wonder if other people think you're paranoid. Being this paranoid creates a conflict in my life. I am the kind of person who constantly seeks self improvement. I like to analyze my life and compare it to other parts of my life or my role models, on a regular basis. This would be a good thing if I didn't dance between extremes so often. It's been noted to me by various people that I don't care for balance, and I've long defended my position on moderation. But regardless, I try, in my own way, "fixing" things. But rarely are these things that feel they are done out of complete moral grounds. More often than not I "fix" for the sake of doing it or, and more likely the case, out of ego.

I am probably not very fair with myself on expectations. I set really high goals, and although I've rarely failed them in my own mind, it always ends up making a good story, right? Heh. I don't think it's unhealthy, the way I bounce between extremes at random intervals, I must note that developing a bi-polar disorder is a viable possibility. Also noteworthy: feel as though may develop tremors when I'm old. If I'm old.

I never had plans to live past 21. Seriously. And up until recently, I never thought of future plans as anything more than imaginary. I had no intention of ending my own life, mind you. I wasn't a suicidal kid, for the most part. But the idea of living that long just seemed rather illogical, at least to plan on it. As I was growing up I had such a disdain for the news, as it was always something extremely tragic or political propaganda. But I did the number work early on and figured my odds of surviving with no serious lash-backs weren't good, especially considering how clumsy, independent and loud-mouthed a kid as I was. The idea of growing up old enough to drink beer legally never really set in until I had already turned 22. It kind of amazes me still.

My friend Heather came in town last Saturday. It was quite unexpected, but always enjoyable and short. She sleeps a lot when we hang out. But she has a pretty hectic schedule so I can't really blame her. It was refreshing to hear her talk of church though. Last time I saw her in OK we had a religious talk. I told her how I felt the church is good and all, but not everyone is called to a church. That sometimes your pastor isn't right, and that while a church can help a larger group of people for things like feeding the homeless, but by doing it yourself you can create connections with people; churches are too confining to grow real relationships sometimes, especially if you are a free-thinking christian like I am. She didn't disagree but still attested to standing by your church and getting involved. However, on this last visit, she brought up the subject with a tone very similar to mine that night. It was enjoyable, and not in a malicious manner.

But seeing Heather always makes me quite reflective. But apparently my apathy has bested this latest reflection as I've continued to smoke during this period. I find myself hanging perilously between two different persons. On the one side, a person who's grown tired of emotions and an OCD, controlling state of mind and wishes to escape to just ease the senses and allow a spark of spirit to reignite. And the other, a person who is proud of his character, and despite his past grievances, however many they may be, his new form would be of such a charismatic and good-willed nature that all would be forgiven. Perhaps a bit too theatrical? Regardless, this is my current predicament. Lament with me.

I often wonder how my brothers feel about my lasting relations with Heather. Given my normal demeanor and behavior I wouldn't seem like a likely candidate for an uber-christian's attention. There are few people that have really inspired me like her though. She's a person that, as stated previously, often makes me reflect on life and puts a desire in me to be better. Like a moral-muse. Then throw in the kick that she's pretty fun to be around, as long as you don't make any sexual jokes or ill-nature references. More or less, I run into a constant situation where I don't think any of my current friends, save a select group that I've only recently begun to hang out with, would really get along or enjoy Heather. It's a predicament.

C'est la vie. I suppose that's enough writing for now. And to whoever is listening out there. :)

So uh. www.trashed-ideas.com is up. That's my new breeding ground. Check it.

So my money problems haven't disappeared as I had hope would happen upon acquiring this job. I do get more than I should get paid, no doubt, but it seems my debt was a wee bit larger than I had previously anticipated. Oh well, it's managable still.

So something was brought to light to me recently. I seem to be the only sane abstinent kid I know. Sane as in not bat shit religious and by choice. But I guess the latter would make me seem insane to some. Meh. But all my friends that I knew that took that "purity oath" or whatever it's called haven't seemed to keep up with it. Not that it's a bad thing. I'm not even saying being abstinent is "better". But I do feel kind of strange. All my friends, even my closest ones that seemed to be the strongest in opposing such things, have chosen the other path. I don't believe in abstinence because of religious reasons, but my own personal reasons. I was kind of a man whore when I was younger and hurt a lot of close friends with that, so I kind of promised myself when I found a serious relationship that I wouldn't screw it up with my physical lusts or desires. And I think it has helped me immensely. I was a very disturbed kid when I was younger and sexually aroused by weird ass things. I have either gained control over it or gotten past it, not sure which. But it makes me happy. But I guess I am the last sane abstinent kid. W00t. I should change my LJ to that. Heh.

I have a company phone now. Sweet. My boss is a Mac lover. Gr. DnD tonight. My 14th Level Hexblade/3rd Level Paladin of Tyranny will fuck your shit up with his +3 Wounding Sword of Despair and +5 Dark Titan Breastplate that deals 5d6 random energy damage each time I am hit! No seriously. That's my character. He will fuck your shit up. I deal 2d6 +40 +1 Con damage on each of my 4 swings per turn. Roar.

I am a corporate bitch. Something fierce. I like the job though. I have been thrown to the wolves within the first week though. It's been a little rough but I've been keeping my head afloat. I am such a bum lately though. I have been trying to get back in shape, but not keeping up with it well. I've been doing pushups and situps every morning and night to stay in shape. Not working. C'est la vie.

Looking to move into a new apartment closer to the interstate. But I told Big Rob if I am to live with him again he needs to have a reliable form of income, AKA a real job. Preferably on the northside and not 40 miles away on the southside. I'm hoping. Looking for a three bedroom and trying to get my buddy Jon Dunn to live with us. W00T.

Trying to get through Lost Odyssey still. Almost through the 3rd out of four discs. Still good with Kelli. I may be a bit whipped, but I am strangely comfortable with this. I don't like being tired all the time. I need something to wake me up. Maybe having real spending money might make me happy, but then again, I need to save it all up so I don't really get to spend it. Irony.

I wear business clothes now. I don't think clothes by any means define a person, but I still can't believe I have already put myself in an environment where I have to wear button down shirts every day. Or where people look forward to casual Friday. My boss was weirded out when I told him I don't own jeans. I just don't own any. Not that I have anything against them. I just don't have any. The work is run of the mill IT stuff, except lots of paperwork.

I finished Breakfast of Champions, if I haven't already mentioned that. I think I may have. I've started reading Island but I haven't had much time. I haven't had anytime to do anything... Man I'm lazy. I miss being active. I'm old. This is my life for the next 40 years, or 20 and then suicide.

:)

Woohoo! I posts again! With bad engrish! It's been a hectic day. Haven't heard back about whether I am starting this Monday or next. I only have $20 in my bank account. I owe $150 on my tax return. Life is good.

Actually, life is pretty damn good. Kelli bought me Lost Odyssey and Devil May Cry 4 for me, some new work clothes, and two books, Breakfast of Champions by Vonnegut and Island of Dr. Moreau by Wells. She has been spoiling me. Lost Odyssey is a 4 disc game. This was quite a surprise to me. I am already on the third disc, but still. It has been really fun so far.

I am trying to keep up with crazy shit that goes down on a daily basis for me now. It seems no matter how hard I want a routine, it just doesn't want to make itself easy. Of course I hope the new job will help straighten things out, along with finishing up school, not that I actually do anything for school. I mean, other than working on my website, I haven't done shit regarding my school work. Of course, my class is all about designing my website. But I have only shown up for two of the four classes so far and I still have an A. I did design a pretty slick flash picture gallery though. Of course I got a little online help but it still rocks. When I get my site up everyone will have to look at it... All three of you.

I saw my sister today. We talked and caught up like we haven't done in oh so many years. She is a strange one. Or maybe I am the strange one. I always find it weird to think that the sober kid who doesn't smoke or drink is the black sheep of his family. Then again, I do believe in mass genocide. So maybe I still am the strange one. But Dana mentioned how she doesn't want to be stable. I mean that is a statement that I am sure I am taking out of context, but I still find that to be a curious state of mind. I figured most people were looking for stability. I mean even those who are thrill seekers need the stability that can be only be found through thrills. But what would make someone not want stability? Discontentment? Would it be a form of personal punishment? I just find that an odd goal. Instability. That's like building a house out of straw and then sleeping outside of the house on a rainy night. Right? I don't know.

Maybe I am over analyzing. I can sympathize with my sister, and I understand how she wants to be able to make it on her own now. Lord knows that no one in our family wants help from our parental units. They are such spiteful creatures. I feel so much more welcomed by Kelli's family nowadays as apposed to mine own. My family will constantly remind me of all the things they have done for me. Kelli's dad lent me his company's car without even asking for a thank you when I didn't have a car of my own. And he never once made a big thing out of it. It was overwhelming at first. It's nice knowing there are other ways of growing up and living your life. It's nice knowing that despite the fact that I am so different from my family, there are some still out there who have different views. I mean my family is very open. I mean they are open to almost any kind of human mistake. They have forgiven people of things and overlooked some traits in people that still blow my mind away. But it seems that kind of forgiveness pays a toll on the person in another way. Meh.

Maybe I whine too much. C'est la vie. That's all I got. Enjoy.

This is a post. This is what I do when I am A)sad, B)bored, C)discontent with life. Today is B. And also because I know I should have been doing this a long time ago. Not that I have anything to say, but because I want to, damn it! Sweet.
...
It's a sad day when Spongebob distracts me from focusing on my writing. I have lost my edge! My ability to focus was never all that spectacular. I did once call my teacher a pedophile. And most of my female teachers I called a femi-nazi. I spent a lot of time in detention. Actually, in high school at one point I was not allowed on campus unless I had class even if I had time between classes, was not allowed to sit in the parking lot, and was not allowed to leave campus without parental permission.
I think I liked high school more because of how easy it was to manipulate the rules. I think my desire to fuck with people has died down. I have finally given in to what I suppose is "business life". But I don't know why. I still don't like hardly anyone, don't like going out, don't like dealing with people, and yet I am in IT.
A lot has happened lately. I got a new job. I haven't started yet. Actually, I am still waiting to sign all the paper work. It's a new IT job, about 10 miles closer, full time, 1030 to 630 at about 15.50 an hour. I am making about 400% more than what I am now. IT is still fun for me, and I am still learning a lot about PCs. And I actually do feel some sort of gratification from knowing I helped people. Plus job security.
I also bought a car. My van died a while ago so I have been trying to get a new car. It has been one giant mess. I was going to buy this car from my brother's friend, but he took 2 months to get the title, so by the time he finally got back to me, I had heard I was getting the new job, so I decided I wanted something better, so then I gave back his car and was going to buy my girlfriend's dad company car which was a nice luxury car, but when we took it in to get checked out, it needed a new transmission for over half it's price, so I couldn't get that, so after stressing out forever I found a 2005 Ford Focus ZX4 with 42000 for 8k. So I just went with that. It was a very stressful situation that never seemed to end, but it's done now.
My roommate still doesn't have a job. My girlfriend is still happy and still putting up with me, so that's good. I am trying to get her to move closer so we don't fight over where we stay anymore. I think that is probably our biggest fight right now. Oh well. At least that's about as serious as the fights get.
I've gotten lots of games lately. Brawl, COD4 and Orange Box are my favorites on the list. :) I love games still. I hope that never gets old for me.
Stopped going to Revolution church. I felt like they were turning into a pity party for all the Christian church rejects. I understand how they don't want people to feel unwelcome and that spirituality should be for all with no prejudice, but they started emphasizing entirely too much on the fact that they weren't like traditional churches. Which is the same thing the other churches are saying, except replace traditional church with anyone different from us. Which sort of defeats it's purpose. I should have seen this coming. I should have stuck by my theory that all organized religion is a good idea, and that's how it should stay.
I feel like maybe I've lost a lot of my religious interest lately. I don't know if that's because I am content with life, which is kind of selfish and in my opinion kind of bad. It's not bad to be content with life. I guess I don't know what would be wrong with that. Maybe it's not because of that then. Maybe it's because I'm lazy. I hate being so damn apathetic.
I HATE APATHY! I think that is probably the biggest problem with our generation. Apathy. A large part I think came from the internet lifestyle trying to co-mingle with real lifestyle. It's a hard balance, at least for me. If I could have it my way, I would just have an internet lifestyle only. I don't care normal social interaction. That's probably part of the problem. How do you solve apathy?
The speed racer movie looks like one of those "so bad it's good" movies. I saw Doomsday. And Drillbit Taylor. Also, anyone who hasn't seen the Mist should. I really enjoyed it. Especially the ending.
Mmm. It's so depressingly good. That's one thing I will write about one day on this whining splog. My utter fascination with depression. It is one of the most interesting things to me and I love reading about and trying to understand it, etc. etc. I don't think I would have the patience to study it like a psychiatrist, but I still just love reading about it. I will get into details about it some other day. It would be nice to do a post that involved something interesting, right?
I suppose that's all. Until next time you internet junkies.
Oh yeah. http://www.skt-products.com/contents/hikkoshi.html

Sigh. I was just looking back on my old blog, www.xanga.com/chaoticbutthead and it made me sad. Not anything I wrote, but that I used to be able to write well, and often. I miss being able to do that. I miss not worrying about people and how they felt. I think I am going to try that again. Not to say I will be a dick to everyone, but free of paranoia and doubt induced by others. I want to be free of that again. It could come full circle and kick me in the ass, but oh well. I want to write like I used to. I want to write like this again.

http://www.xanga.com/chaoticbutthead/548058036/item.html

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2287/2279454229_c889091af2.jpg?v=0

Just because it's awesome and I'm a wee bit jealous.

I wish I could post of productive things I have done. But alas, I haven't really done anything. I created a 3D logo for a friend at work for his game studio he is starting up. I have been trying the whole keep up with friends bit now and I seem to be off to a rocky start, but at least I'm trying. I have spent the past 3 hours writing emails to people I like and I am now writing to whoever wants to read my whining splog.

Life is life. Work hasn't changed much to my dismay. Still looking for a decent job. Still making A's in all my classes. Still playing DnD and not dying. Still eating a ton of food that I shouldn't be able to eat and will most assuredly grant me an early death. Yesterday for lunch I had the Baconator, a spicy chicken sandwich, large fries, and a double stacker to boot. And still ate again later that night. My stomach holds a portal to another dimension. It has to. I don't know how I fit all that shit inside. My stomach is going to rupture. Then again, I've always believed that we do not understand the human body as well as we think we do. I don't think we truly understand the full functionality of things like the metabolism or the best way to eat. I have started a theory that eating once a day is healthier than eating 3 times a day. Only time will tell.

Haven't gotten Mass Effect yet. Picked up Hellgate London and Call of Duty 3 instead. Also still no Orange Box. Fortunately Super Smash has been pushed back so I don't have to worry about waiting to buy it because I am poor. And man am I poor. I have practically no money right now and two bills to pay. I can afford them, barely, and will have no money for things like gas and food. So I think that is all I got.

I can't seem to muster up any more to write about. Sad. I do want to ask a question. Who actually believes everything is subjective? Anyone? Let me know. I think it is a fun question and fun thing to debate.

So it has been a minute since I've updated. I just don't really feel a need as of late. I guess I feel a little to socially repressed, angry, and emo anytime I write in here. So I was hoping a little time would allow me to sound more like a "cool kid". It does help that I get to watch Pinky and the Brain on DVD now while writing this. I love it. It's another one of those items from my past that seem much funnier now than when I first saw them. Much like Calvin and Hobbes.

My christmas break was swell. My sister decided to go to Kentucky because she couldn't stand my family. I suppose that's one way of avoiding drama, except she made it a point to tell my family how much she couldn't stand being around them. Oh well. I got just a few things this year. My Pinky and the Brain DVDs, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas DVD, a nice printer/scanner/copier/fax machine with extra cartridges, and four nerf guns from my father. Oh, and a few video games. I got Kane and Lynch, and I'm getting Orange Box and Mass Effect sometime this week. Spending time with my family was good too. I like that I am able to get along with anyone in my family well, despite our immediate differences.

I enjoyed the trip to Sarasota, and I have yet to put the recorded stuff on my PC yet, but it was fun. And after Xmas I went with Kelli and her family to Miami to visit her family for 5 days. So I have had quite a good vacation this month. But I start back school and a real work schedule next week. Caribou offered me a shift supervisor position there, which seems pretty nice to me. I would have to quit DTC, but I am strangely comfortable with that. My last conversation with my supervisors at DTC involved them telling me I was going to have to work on alternating Saturdays whether I liked it or not. Meh.

Life is life. My one New Years Resolution is to stay in touch with my friends better... I don't know if that sentence is grammatically correct but I'm too tired to try and fix it. I hope to do well at keeping this one up though. Last year was horrible. I didn't stay in touch with anyone. I'm still poor as hell, but hopefully by taking the other job I will be better off. I've squared away with my mom as far as paying off my laptop now, so now the only thing I have to pay off are the huge student loans I have. Maybe it is about time I went out and found a real job in multimedia that paid well. I hate being a poor college student. Kelli's dad pays $3000 a month for their family's UTILITIES. Just the utilities. That's not even including the gas for all five cars they have. It's not that I want to be rich or that I think Kelli and her family is spoiled, although I do think they can be at times. I just wish I had that kind of security.

C'est la vie. Life is good though. Kelli and I are doing exceptionally well. I can't wait to be done with school. I have already tried to catch up with some of my friends, and I am going to try and start working on some more 3D modeling stuff. A new guy at DTC is in a group working on an independent game and they are looking for a modeler, so I might be able to get some experience there. That's the plan anyways. Anyways, I guess I should go to bed. Nighto.

So does anyone still want to go to Sarasota? Because the launch date was for next weekend. Anyone ready/willing or should we just wait until next semester. I'm not partial to either could go either way, so just be honest.

If anyone still wants to go this coming weekend, I am down. Just let me know.

Ho hum. It's not the best quality, but that's YouTube for you. I have a better render but it's too big to host. Anyways, enjoy.

Hi. How are you? How is life. Life is decent for me. I saw The Mist last night. Any Stephen King fans would make it a point to go see this movie. And anyone who wants to see a movie that goes against the grain will most definitely enjoy it. Kelli hated it for but the last 30 seconds of the film, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Then again, I loved Requim for a Dream, so I guess that isn't saying much. Also picked up Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii last Wednesday. In one night I managed to get 83 out of 120 stars to complete the game. I finished it last night finally, but then I come to find out that now I have to play through as Luigi doing it all over again. Well I say to hell with that. But now I've managed to knock out 4 of the games I wanted this year.

Super Mario Galaxy
Manhunt 2
Guitar Hero 3
Assassin's Creed

I just picked up Assassin's Creed yesterday, but haven't given it a shot yet. I love me some video games. So now my gaming wish list consists of

Crysis (I gave in, damn it)
Hellgate: London
Orange Box
Mass Effect
Timeshift
Kane and Lynch
Overlord
Guitar Hero 80s

New Additions:

Call of Duty 4
Unreal Tourney 3
Also, I might (really unsure about it right now) get into WoW if I am bored enough.

If not games, then maybe some DnD books, or a DX10 supportive PCI-E card for my desktop, or a new car. You know, the usual.

I finished the renderings for MODAT. I am about to put them all together and compress them. I didn't get to do as much as I wanted, time constraints and just plain being lazy, but I am satisfied. Such is life. I will post it on youtube after I get it down enough in size. Man it's cold lately. I hate going outside. This weekend has been very relaxing. I feel bad because I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to, but I definitely enjoyed the getaway and the gaming. More than enough to keep me satisfied until X-mas. So yeah. That's all I got. Peace.

Well. Here I am. At 6:30 in the morning on a Wednesday, sitting in a Caribou parking lot, literally counting cars as they pass for four hours. Sitting, listening to old mix CDs and just getting to think. I find the car so comforting. Is that weird? I have always felt that way. I love to just drive as far as I can. It has somewhat lost it’s luster since I don’t have a radio anymore in my van, but I still find it comforting. At peace with the world I suppose. This is my one piece of existence where I feel I am still a part of the world, but the world doesn’t phase me. My little slice of heaven, if you will. Thanksgiving time has always been a time of reflection for me. My family really loves the holidays, but not for the traditional reasons that each holiday represents. Like X-mas being the supposed birthday of Jesus, or Easter being Jesus’ bloody sacrifice. No, for my family it has always been about bringing the family together. My dad loves to just bring everyone together and enjoy each others company. Although that has been more strenuous in recent years due to my family’s inability to put the past aside anymore.

But I constantly reflect on Thanksgiving because that was the one my dad always put the most emphasis on. The closest to what he believed should be a real holiday. And in reality, I detest reflecting on myself. I am constantly reminded of how I managed to screw things up. When I was in high school, my “gift” was to see how well I could piss off my teachers and friends. And I must say it was a gift. I managed to get away with many things that I wouldn’t anymore. One of the things I’ve always been good at is getting people’s trust. I never deserved it, and I still don’t. I just know how to get it. That is not to say that I can keep it, because I manage to lose almost everyone’s trust as some point, but I was able to earn so many people’s trust and I almost always managed to let them down. I still do that.

I think that was why seducing people has always come naturally to me. I really don’t like that about me. I just have this knack at finding people who are looking for trust, earning it, toying with it, and when I get bored, I become sloppy with it and get caught. It’s made even worse by my knowledge of my actions. I just don’t know how to stop. Well, I think I know why. But it seems so self righteous I hate to say it. I think it stems from my own hate/distrust of people. I think maybe I want to teach people something. Like not to trust anyone. I would say that is why most people turn to religion. They have given up on humans and trusting them, so they turn to an infinite being, something that can always be trusted, something that can always be blamed if things go wrong. Something that can’t betray you. Even those who believe in God only because they can’t trust people don’t think God has betrayed them. It’s more of their own minds have betrayed them with a lack of control over circumstances. We have to blame something. If those people blame God, then they are blaming themselves in return. Maybe I’m not making any sense.

Let me try an example. A boy was raised in the church, raised what to believe and what to say in all circumstances. Around the age of 16, he finds out that his dad, a very religious man himself, is cheating on his mother. Around the time the boy finds out, the mother of the family finds out. The boy is betrayed and no longer can trust people. Yeah, this is a big jump, but it does happen. His faith in God begins to diminish. After a couple of years of not believing, he finds that he has lost faith in humanity as well. Looking for some sort of piece of mind, he turns to God again, but this time, not the God of the church. A God he controls. A God that believes in what he believes. If he started to doubt this God, he would have to doubt himself, because it is a God within his own mind. We won’t get into that any deeper because it could be argued that that is all God is, even in the church realm. Which has some validity.

But anyways, I feel like I push people towards not trusting people anymore. Is that a good thing? I have no idea. I mean, in the short term I think it is a bad thing, but I also don’t really trust people and see no reason to. Does that really give me the right to toy with people like I do? Everyone should be given that choice. Am I just playing devil’s advocate? Now that I have said something about it does that mean no one who reads this will trust me? I walk around knowing this everyday and constantly remind myself I am not a good person. Bah. Is it because I have a lack of security in my own life? I probably need counseling, but I would probably just try and mess with the counselor. I don’t even know why I want to write this out. Maybe I should get back to fake counting cars. C’est la vie.

I realize most of these pictures are pretty dark. I will change the contrast on these in some more renderings soon.

Hey. I changed my layout. I'm not so much an emo kid anymore! Yay!... Well, yeah. I just like the concept of black. A lack of any color. Or how humans try to make black by combining so many colors it turns into this blob, when our first concept of black was a lack of anything. I just find it interesting. So sue me.

So I managed to get ahold of Manhunt 2 and Guitar Hero III. Almost beat Guitar Hero III on Hard. Not too many good songs this time around, and I realized that the difficulty scale for hard wasn't difficult until the last five songs. I haven't had any problems until these last five. It seems like they took a look at their song list, saw it was too easy too late in the development, and tossed in these 5 to piss everyone off. Bah. But it is still fun. Co-op Career mode. I am such a sucker for a co-op game. Which is why I am going to be picking up Hellgate:London. If anyone owns a PC and would like to play an FPS-RPG online with no subscription fee, you should join me. Oh, by the way, did I mention it has demons and shit. Yeah. Cause it does.

But on to greater things. Kelli moves into her new apartment at the end of this week. I am ahead of schedule on my robot, and will have some renders up soon for your viewing pleasure. I really need to start working on detailing my models. I'm getting bad about that. Cutting too many corners. Which I had to do for my recent animation. Let's just say the way a programmer would cheat by putting in a goto command, I did the same for my model. But you gotta do what you gotta do. I love robots with chainsaws though.

Life is life and not much else. Working more hours at Caribou. Still at Dekalb. Haven't cut my hair in almost a year. Dating Kelli for almost a year. We are going to Callaway Gardens for the weekend. I think it is silly to do something special for a one year thing, but whatever. Keeps the female happy and she doesn't nag me for playing too many video games... too much.

Still confused about what to do with my life. I wonder if people are really just confused about what they want to do, or confused on making a commitment when there are oh so many possibilities. I sometimes can't tell how I feel about it concerning myself. I think I know what I want to do, but I just don't know if I'm ready to fully commit to it. Especially when there is no guarantee for a job in that industry. It seems you should be really passionate and really good at it for that kind of thing, right? I mean, how can there be so many amazing 3D artists that put stuff up in galleries and so few jobs? I am no where near that level modeling, and yet these people are just freelancers. It's mind boggling. Oh well. In a few months I will have to make that plunge whether I like it or not. I graduate in 3 months, if all goes according to plan.

Still trying to plan a trip to Sarasota. I hope it works out. Someone call me and let me know if they have any ideas of when we should head down. All comments are welcome. And with that I bid you a fond farewell.

Hellgate London (PC)
Orange Box (PC)
Super Mario Galaxy (Wii)
Assassin’s Creed (3Sexy)
Timeshift (3Sexy)
Mass Effect (3Sexy)
Manhunt 2 (Wii)
Kane and Lynch (3Sexy)
Guitar Hero III (PS2 if my old guitars work with it, otherwise 3Sexy)
Guitar Hero 80s rock (PS2)
Overlord (3Sexy)

Too bad I'm not on Santa's good side. I also wish I could have Cyrsis, but I doubt my rig would run that bitch. So I left it off the list.

Update: Two down, 8 to go.

How goes it. It's a slow day here at work, so I think I have time to actually talk. A lot has been going on. I finally got Comcast after so many troubles, and it's been almost a two months since we got it and we still don't have a bill. This is aggravating. But we at least got a new oven and our weatherstrip on our front door fixed. That is a relief. I like my new apartment. Although Big Rob still doesn't have a job, going on the third month now. Ah well, at least he pays the bills right?

Kelli and I are still good. We have almost been dating a year now. I don't think it signifies anything. It's more of one of those, "Wow, you haven't gotten sick of me yet? More power to you," kind of things. Kelli got a new dog. A weimaraner/chihuahua mix in my opinion. I say chihuahua because it's almost 6 months old and still isn't very big. So I think it might be a small dog mix, because weimaraners are medium/big dogs. But it's a brat. Teething and all that nonsense. It's learning quickly though.

Finally got back into DnD. I missed it. Rowain, my brother, is DMing, with Justin, Brian, Kaitlyn, Matt and myself all playing. We do it once a week now, and so far it's been pretty fun. Our first outing Justin managed to critically hit someone with a bow inside of a bar... Yeah. Just not going to touch that one.

Still doing the same old shit with no real change. It's kind of frustrating, but such is life. I also got all my financial crap at ITT worked out finally. Now if I could only test out of two more classes I would be set. Then I could graduate next quarter. And then decide what to do from there. I love animation and 3D design. I really do enjoy it. But I don't know how good I am at it. So then I tell myself I should just get a bachelors in game design or something, earn a little more paper-cred. But then I realize how many people there are in actual game design today, and how there aren't many job openings, especially if I don't want to move. So I think maybe I should just self teach and just get good at what I have so far. And I think that is what I will do. I don't want to have any more investments than I already have in school. So far that is the only loans/debt I have, but it's enough to make me whine. Oh well. I whine about anything, really.

So I still want to go down to good ol' Sarasota here soon. But trying to find a time when everyone is available is proving to be quite the daunting task. I am thinking mid-December now, obviously way before X-Mas day, not that it would matter for religious reasons, more that most schools close during said holiday. I hope it ends up actually happening. I need a reality check.

I've been gaming quite a bit since last updated. I gave in and bought Halo 3, and it turned out to be pretty good, especially the online portion. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, although some things still annoy me about it. But I enjoyed myself. So many games coming out now though. Assassin's Creed, Mass Effect, Kane and Lynch just to name a few that I wish I could purchase. I hate being poor. I am very poor right now. Plus 2 birthdays coming up and X-mas. Blah.

So I am working on a 1950s robot for my animation II class. We have to model, rig, skin, and animate a robot. I have already done the last three. Only one more thing left to do. Animate it. Although I was modeling a chainsaw, so I really want to finish it for my final project. Just toss it in there with him. His name is MODAT. Maker Of Death And Things. Yeah. He's definitely my new mascot for anything I do now. I know I will have to upgrade him at some point, but not for a while. I will let him look cheesy and everything. I will post a picture soon.

I guess I don't really have anything deep seeded lately. I'm content. I have fashioned myself to my imaginary happiness, on the verge of blissful ignorance. I could weigh the pros and cons of this state of mind, but I don't think any good will come of it. I worry about my future. I never realized just how much I like to have stuff planned out, and just how much I don't have things organized. I organize a lot of shit in my own life, but I really work on the fly and don't have any real control. I'm surprisingly comfortable with that. C'est la vie.

I suppose that is it. Peace out kiddos.